The day I didn’t “give up” on breastfeeding… (But it’s over)

I was hesitant to tell this “story” for a number of reasons. For one, it’s probably a story you’ve heard before; a story of love and loss and wanting to do the right thing. Secondly, it’s a controversial topic where most – experienced or not – feel the right to voice their own opinions, their own triumphs and tribulations in an attempt to help (or something). But it wasn’t until I read something on the internet (Sounds like the beginning of a horror story, doesn’t it?) that I got irked enough to write this post.

I follow a lot of mom-oriented Facebook pages now – Tampa Bay Mom’s Blog, Tampa Bay Mom’s Group, Huffington Post Parents, TODAY Parents – you get the idea. Most of the time I read the article and that’s it, but sometimes, depending on the subject, I glance through the comments to see what other parents are saying. (This should be a “no-no” from now on.) This particular post was on the struggles of breastfeeding – something I can relate to. Here is what one mom had to say:

I am going to give this sweet mama the benefit-of-the-doubt. After all, communication can be easily misconstrued in written form. However, this post got to me thinking about a lot of things. This woman was lucky enough to be blessed with a strong milk supply, which some women aren’t or which some women lose. She also acknowledged that she struggled for 5 months getting her son to be happy breastfeeding, proving true to the fact that all babies are different. The thing that bothered me most was one line: “Giving up is so easy!”

I “gave up” breastfeeding when McKenna was 10 weeks old – almost 3 months ago now. And let me tell you, it was not easy. But it was really the only option I had.

Even though McKenna was born with a slight tongue-tie, I never had any issues getting her to latch. I hardly had any issues with pain. I just hated it. At least for the first 6 weeks. Being a mother was great! I didn’t even mind getting up in the middle of the night with her. But feeling like a milk truck? Not so grand. Part of that was probably because McKenna would nurse for an hour at a time, and eat every 2-3 hours. That would give me 1 hour between feedings if I was lucky. I knew it was what was best nutritionally for though, so I kept going. (Plus, who can beat free, right?!) Right around 6 weeks, the length of time she fed for started to shorten, and my supply was increasing more every day. My loathing feelings toward breastfeeding were subsiding. A breakthrough! Then I went back to work…

It was like someone flipped a switch. I went from pumping upwards of 6 oz. per “session” to barely getting out more than an ounce. I was drinking 80 oz. of water every day and eating (healthily) like it was my job. Nothing seemed to be working. I would shut myself up in the office bathroom in a comfy chair for 20 minutes at a time, relax and flip through photos and videos of McKenna to try to get the girls in motion. Nada. I started taking Fenugreek (a galactagogue said to help increase supply among other things, but all it did was make my pee smell like maple syrup) and used this recipe for lactation cookies my fellow mommy/friend Lindsay posted. I would eat them to my heart’s content, but still my supply remained drastically lower than usual.

We had to start supplementing McKenna with formula because what I was pumping was barely enough for one meal, let alone 6 or 7. After two weeks of trying everything I felt like I could and consulting whoever necessary, I felt like I had hit a wall. I felt like I was “giving up.” Like somewhere out there was an answer that would solve this problem, but I wasn’t finding it. It wasn’t until I talked to a lot of friends and family members who have been in similar shoes that I finally felt okay with my decision to switch to formula. After all, I was formula fed from Day 1, and developmentally – physically and mentally – I turned just fine. My grandma told me she had formula fed my dad and his sisters – which I didn’t know. So many moms I spoke to had at once breastfed and switched or had never breastfed at all, and their children were happy, healthy and sound.

So I guess what bothered me most about the previously mentioned mother’s comment about how “giving up is easy” is that it really isn’t. You don’t know why someone chose to formula feed their child or why they switched from breastfeeding to formula feeding. I will not deny for one second that breastfeeding isn’t difficult – it is a downright challenge mentally and physically, and obviously some cases are even more difficult than others. However, making the switch to formula can be just as challenging – probably more so emotionally than anything else. I would have loved to breastfeed McKenna for her first year. And maybe I could have if I was a stay-at-home mom. Maybe going back to work put more stress on my supply than I even realized.

The bottom line is, I didn’t give up. I tried everything I could. Then I made the decision to switch. I didn’t give up, quit or fail. And as parents we shouldn’t be made to feel like we failed. Ever. We will all encounter different obstacles during this journey, but the most important thing is that we stay true to ourselves and our happiness for our children’s sake. And support each other. What is right for one parent may not be right for another, but we can still support each other. Am I right?

By the way – McKenna is a happy, healthy, growing baby who LOVES formula. (And I am much happier knowing I’m still providing for her in the best way that I know how/can.) Some days she’ll throw back 10-12 oz. in one sitting and, on those days, I’m happy to not be breastfeeding because I am not sure I’d be able to satisfy her. Even though she’s not quite 5 months, these large “meals” are doctor-approved since she’s still so lean and growing so quickly. Someone’s going to be tall like her daddy.